Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.
HOW TO EXPRESS ANGER :
Anger is essential to our survival since it is required to stand up for ourselves if ill treated or to defend ourselves when attacked.
Anger becomes unhealthy when it is suppressed for too long which can lead to aggression.
We must avoid expressing anger by throwing tantrums or screaming but instead calmly expressing it in an appropriate manner at an appropriate time.
Else it can cause much harm to our health and our relationship with others.
My experience has taught me how to express anger in a healthy manner :
It is perfectly justifiable to be assertive when expressing your anger but not aggressive.
Make / state your point and repeat it but do not make unnecessarily hurtful and extreme remarks that you will realise you don't mean as soon as you calm down.
Never let an argument get out of hand.
Stick to the problem at hand and keep your anger in the present.
It is never a good idea to bring up past hurt as this only adds to your anger and before you know it you are fighting about something that happened years ago and has nothing to do with the current problem.
Never express your anger in the heat of the moment.
When you find yourself angriest is when you are likely to say the most hurtful things.
Wait a few minutes, breathe deeply, and yes counting down from 10 or a 100 depending on your level of anger really does help !
Promise yourself you will utter a word only after this time out.
As a long term solution learn about what tends to trigger your anger.
Once you know this you will see a potentially angry bout approaching from a mile away and will be able to avert it by either explaining to the other person that you will not like what they are about to do or by leaving the situation altogether by just leaving the room.
When angry instead of blindly reacting ask yourself rational questions such as " What needs to change in this situation to make me less angry ? " or " Is there another way in which I could deal with this situation ? "
Once you start figuring out answers to such healthy questions you will find yourself going from reactive mode to solutions oriented mode or response.
NIP THAT ANGER :
In life we are bound to meet annoying people or land up in frustrating situations.
In such cases keeping a tab on our emotions helps us to handle life more responsibly.
Anger can be manifested in three ways :
By expressing it, suppressing it and by calming down.
But when none of these manifestations work maybe it’s a good idea for you to chalk out an anger management regimen.
ACCEPTANCE IS IMPORTANT :
Remember we cannot control every event, place, situation or person in the world.
Things are bound to go wrong but life still moves on.
We must realise that we cannot always express our anger and not always have things go our way.
TIRE OUT :
When you feel the mercury rising it’s best to indulge in something that is physically exerting.
Go for a jog, a swim, gym work out or play a sport.
This way you vent your anger in a positive manner.
DEEP BREATHING :
Deep breathing especially through yoga has amazing effects on anger.
That's why it is highly recommended that when angry count till at least 10.
Breathing slowly while counting 10 helps in clearing negative thoughts that cloud our mind which in turn helps us think clearly.
LAUGH IT OFF :
Use humor to handle situations / people who are beyond our control.
There is a thin / fine line between humor and sarcasm.
There is no need to hurt someone else just because we're angry.
You'll be surprised to see how much work can get done with a simple smile on your face instead of a bout of nasty anger.
FORGIVE AND FORGET :
Forgiveness is the greatest gift we can gift our self especially during trying times.
Easier said than done forgiveness releases pent up anger and frustration which in turn can help you in dealing with difficult situations.
Friendship / Love does not consist in admiring or gazing at each other but in looking together in the same direction.
The fight or flight response is a natural response to danger. Our bodies are created to fight or flee when danger is upon us, such as being attacked by a mountain lion. When faced with this kind of danger, the stress hormones pour into our body, causing some blood to leave our brains and organs and go into our arms and legs. This is vital to us if we are actually being attacked by a mountain lion or a mugger. The problem is that this same response occurs when we become afraid in other situations, such as conflict with a partner.
When in conflict with a partner, we need to have the full capacity of our minds to deal rationally and lovingly with the situation. Yet the moment we become afraid, some of the blood leaves our brain, we cannot think as well, and we automatically go into fight or flight. That is when partners tend to fight or withdraw, neither of which leads to conflict resolution.
Obviously, fighting or fleeing is not the best way of dealing with conflict. Yet when fears are triggered - fears of losing the other through rejection or abandonment, or of losing yourself and being controlled by your partner – the stress response is automatically activated and you find yourself fighting or shutting down. Now matter how much you tell yourself that next time you will respond differently, the moment fear is activated you automatically attack, defend, yell, blame, or shut down through compliance or withdrawal.
What can you do about this?
There are two solutions to this dilemma.
The moment there is tense energy between you and your partner, it is best for both of you to walk away from the conflict for at least 15 minutes. During this time, you can calm down and do some inner work. As the stress response leaves your body, you can think better. This allows you to open to learning about your end of the conflict. Once you are clear about what you are doing that is causing the problem and what you need to do differently, you can reconnect with your partner and talk it out. Sometimes there is not even anything to talk out because the conflict was about the fight or flight rather than about a specific issue. More often than not, it is the stress response itself that is the issue. When you take the time to calm down, you might be able to apologize for your anger, blame, defensiveness or withdrawal, and the conflict is over.
The second solution is a longer-term solution. This is about doing enough inner work, such as the Inner Bonding process that we teach, so that your fears of rejection, abandonment, and engulfment gradually diminish. The more you learn to value yourself rather than expect your partner to define your worth and lovability, the less fear you have of rejection. The more you learn to take loving care of your own feelings and needs, the less dependent you are upon your partner. When your fear of rejection diminishes, so does your fear of engulfment. People give themselves up and allow themselves to be controlled and consumed by their partner as a way of avoiding rejection. When rejection is no longer so frightening, you will find that your fear of being controlled diminishes.
The less fear you have, the less you will be triggered into the stress response of fight or flight. The more secure you feel within due to learning to value yourself and learning to take loving care of yourself, the less fear you will feel in the face of conflict. This is when you stop being so reactive and are able to remain open and caring in the face of conflict.
There is no point in continuing a conflict when one or both of you are coming from fear. Continuing a conflict when the fight or flight response is activated will only erode your relationship. Until you can stay open-hearted in a conflict, it is best to continue to follow through on the first solution – taking a time-out until you feel open-hearted.
A recent study is revealing the hard facts that one needs to know, in order to unlock the secrets of building a lasting love relationship. This study revealed that marriage is very predictable. It also developed a decision-making tool that anyone can use to choose their true lover (from the open range of millions of singles), and show you how-to keep her/him successfully.
This study interviewed over 1,000 experienced adults ranging between the ages of 26 and 80 years old. Among these interviewed adults were the successfully married, the unsuccessfully married, the adult singles who had quit looking for a lover, those who were still trying to find their mates, and a few who had completely changed their sexual behaviors to escape the deep pain that hit hard into their soul. This study revealed all the information that has been missing, and I will progressively be sharing this incredible wealth of know-how in the articles on your web page.
Let me tell you some of what I found. Out of more than 1,000 adults interviewed, 280 adults had failed in marriage. They had a lot of stories and experiences, and I will only share a few of the hard learned lessons they had in common. Note that: the aim of sharing this information here is to empower you to understand how they failed, why they failed, and how you can use their experiences to enable you to make winning decisions to brighten your future. Please, study these findings:
1. As at the time of tying the knot, each of those 280 adults believed that their marriage was going to last forever, but that did not happen! They all learned this hard lesson; that being good and wanting to be successfully married is not enough on its own, because the success of your marriage truly depends on your husband or your wife. They proved that you cannot sustain a love relationship single handedly; it takes two to succeed. And therefore, it is important that you choose a lover who is right for you, and also finds you right to them; and I will share with you how to do this in the next articles.
2. They all rushed to fall in love, and failed to see the red flags which were right in their faces from the time they started dating. They confessed that they were emotionally attached, and had hoped they would be able to change their former fiancée(s) habits after committing to them. They learned this hard lesson, that you cannot successfully change another person if that person is not willing to change on their own. They also learned that it is not smart to force a mismatch, because it always leads to domestic violence and a future breakup.
3. They all regretted not knowing what they should have known in time, to make the right marital decisions. They were instead consumed by the excitement of the new relationship, the sweet gifts, the new places to visit, and planning their wedding, before truly knowing or evaluating the person they were committing their love to. They learned that regardless of your feelings, it is vital to control your love emotions and target your decisions towards meeting your long term needs.
4. They all confessed that it was a costly experience; and wished someone had taught them how to guard their hearts from the wrong person. They learned that their hearts were truly the most precious possession they had. But the other sad discovery was that, many of those whose hearts had been repeatedly bruised, had lost confidence, and preferred to stay as players because they were afraid of trusting or loving anyone again.
5. They were all pained not by the divorce itself, but the fact that their divorce was preventable, had they learned how-to interpret the advance warning signs which they had seen during the pre-wedlock period. They learned that making choices unthinkingly; and then hoping for the best, is being reckless with life. You have to know what you are doing every step of the way in choosing the right spouse. You also have to know how-to keep her/him successfully.
Now, here is the good news. Just like you learned how to drive, and so you do not drive the wrong way after seeing the “do-not-enter” signs on the road, you can also learn how-to choose and keep your true lifetime lover successfully. There is no excuse for staying ignorant of these best loving skills, which you need to enable you to make smart decisions in building a lasting love relationship. It has all been documented, to protect your heart from future pain; and to show you how-to avoid these common and painful marital mistakes. You do not need to learn these lessons the hard way. It’s time to stop cutting corners, and making wrong assumptions. You can learn how-to foresee and manage the risks in marriage. All this life-shaping knowledge is a new value-adding book titled, “10 Steps to Success in Love and Marriage, Self-help Secrets for the Smart Lover”.
In the next articles, I will share with you the best lessons I learned from those who were successfully married, beyond just the rings and living under the same roof. These articles are being written to give you the base knowledge you need, to enable you to create a successful and joyful love relationship.
Note: I believe that increased sharing of these study findings and solutions will reduce the high divorce numbers, domestic violence, and the endless pain that results from a bruised heart.
Sometimes, relationships run their course. You may be at fault or not, but when its time to bring your relationship to an end, you want to do so cleanly and effectively. Here are some suggestions:
1) If you have personal items at your lover’s place, you want to begin getting them back. This is much more difficult to do after the breakup. If your lover has things around your home, put these in a box and have them ready to move. Be thorough - you don’t want to have things left around for him/her to need to come back for later.
2) Don’t involve your friends, family, co-workers, etc., in the breakup. This is only between you and your mate. Adding others to the breakup just increases the humiliation factor.
3) If you’re afraid of a scene, break up at a public venue such as a restaurant. However, don’t “lure” your soon-to-be-ex lover there under false pretenses. Explain that you want to “talk about your relationship.”
4) Don’t wait until a “good time.” Do it as soon as you make the decision. Waiting only prolongs the inevitable and makes it even more difficult. Be bold!
5) However, don’t breakup on a day with special significance. For example, don’t breakup on Christmas Day, Easter, or your ex-partner’s birthday. This is cruel, and may spoil that day for this person for many future years.
6) Don’t hedge - get to the point. Be clear and specific. Don’t blame or argue, and don’t prolong the event. Again I say…be bold!
7) Don’t breakup in stages! Some people; either through fear of losing someone, or a feeling that their sparing their ex-lover’s feelings do the “series breakup”. They start by getting distant, then, they suggest that both of them see other people, then, they stop answering the telephone, etc. This just causes the pain to be extended for a longer period of time than is necessary.
8) Be considerate of your ex-lover’s feelings, but don’t back down. Also, don’t promise to stay in touch, stay friends, or say that maybe you can get back together after you “get your head together”. This leads to false hopes.
9) Don’t unload your hurt or anger on this person. Be detached, unemotional, and specific.
10) And Finally, don’t bad-mouth your x once everything has been resolved. Remember that old saying, “if you don’t have anything nice to say” you know the rest.
Breaking up is very difficult for both the person doing it as well as the person getting dumped. Always remember that you saw something special in that person when you first got together. Regardless of what happened to cause the break up, they are still the same person you met and have a right to their dignity. Be bold, be compassionate, and be truthful. Follow these guidelines, and you have mastered the Art of Breaking up.
“Personal relationships are the fertile soil from which all advancement, all success, all achievement in real life grows” Ben Stein
Life would be difficult without the blessing of significant relationships as an integral part of our lifestyle. However although relationships can be the source of much joy and happiness, they also can frequently be a source of pain, stress, conflict and anxiety. It is a sad factor that when we have a close relationship the openness and vulnerability that we share with that person has the ability to bring both happiness and also pain.
There is a natural response when we feel hurt to protect ourselves from being hurt again. Frequently this protection involves creating a wall around the heart, distancing the emotions to avoid pain. This very act may well protect a person from feeling more pain, and keep it at bay, but also means shutting out the potential of enjoyment in the relationship as well. A wall keeps out both good and bad!
Unfortunately it is a fact that too many people become detached from potentially meaningful relationships through misunderstanding and assumptions about the other person. The reality is we can never fully know a person and understand them, and often we see things from a totally different perspective, and even speak a different emotional language. A tone of voice, a look, or a comment can easily be misinterpreted, and our response is to feel hurt or offended. If this happens it is all too easy to into a pattern of assuming and responding to that assumption until the whole incident becomes a large issue.
How does this situation occur? The basic problem arises from the fact that people are afraid of what they don’t know. They assume facts that may not in reality exist, and then build prejudices around those assumptions. Bad decisions are then made based on those assumptions, on rumors, other people’s opinions or perceived behaviour.
Many of these situations could have been non events, if time had been taken to check out the actual facts. If a person is aware of the actual facts about a situation, person, problem or opportunity, then decisions can be made based on what is real rather than what is being perceived. “There may be some substitute for hard facts, but if there is, I have no idea what it could be.” J. Paul Getty
For example, I go to a social function and meet my friend. She has a scowl on her face, seems aloof and practically ignores me and my efforts at friendly conversation. It would be easy for me assume that she is mad at me, and spend a lot of energy wondering what I had done to upset her. I may start tiptoeing around her anticipating a blow up. A healthier alternative for our relationship would be to say “You don’t look happy, what’s going on?” By checking out what the real facts are I will either discover whether I really did do something wrong, or that something has happened that I don’t know about that is totally unrelated to me. Either way I am in a better position to help lighten her mood as I know the actual facts.
When communication issues occur in a relationship the best way to find out the truth is to ask questions to discover what the other person actually means. What a person means can be very different from an interpretation from your different perspective. Sometimes people may make a statement, and not tell you the reasons why they said it. This can lead to a minefield of speculation and assumptions. This can often happen when communicating with men. A man tends to answer questions with a ‘yes’ or ‘no’, (or a brief response) and not give any explanation for his position. Women are more likely to give reasons. So by asking questions such as ‘Do you mean……’ you will get more clarity and will not be left wondering what is going on.
It does take more commitment to the relationship to push through communication difficulties and not rely on assumptions. We prefer to not speak or confront when we sense an atmosphere, or feel hurt by a comment. However if you keep to the adage ‘When in doubt, Check it out’ and push through those uncomfortable feelings you will reap the benefits in the relationship. Your relationship will become stronger and you will gain a greater understanding and appreciation of each other. So……… Don’t doubt, Check it out!
Let’s face it, dating is tough. It’s even tougher when you have to get past the social hurdles of being gay. No matter what, you must always remember that it’s your first priority to be true to yourself and make sure you’re with the person you’re seeing for the right reasons. If you don’t look out for yourself, no one else will.
Some people go through life thinking that they will never find “The One.” So they settle. They settle for abusive relationships, selfish lovers, cheaters, and liars – just because they don’t want to be alone. They overlook the fact that sometimes being alone for a while is the best thing. Being alone gives you the opportunity to contemplate and decide what you’re looking for, where you want to look for it, and ultimately, where you want to be five or ten years down the road.
I’m not saying that you can plan out any relationship and follow each step of it like a schedule. The truth is, you never know what is going to happen. But if you know just a little bit of what you want out of a relationship, it will only be a benefit to you and the person you’re seeing. Nothing is worse than being with someone who doesn’t know what they want.
That being said, here are some things you ought to consider before giving your heart – your most precious possession – away.
1. Never settle for someone who is selfish. True, we are all selfish in some way or another; but in the grand scheme of things, you’ll want to be with someone who considers your feelings before acting. When you are working 3 jobs, and set aside a long-awaited Saturday night to spend with your loved one, you don’t expect them to go out, get drunk, and fall asleep before you get to their house. That is selfish. Choose someone who puts your feelings above and beyond everything else. “The One” will be waiting for you with a rose.
2. Speaking of roses, be sure to choose someone who is generous and thoughtful – someone who will surprise you with flowers or a nice dinner when you are tired and had a miserable day. They don’t have to do it all the time, but once in a while, to show they care makes all the difference in a relationship.
3. Never settle for someone who is judgmental of others. The more tolerant a person is of others, the more tolerant they will be of you.
4. Never settle for someone who drinks too much or takes drugs. They will never change.
5. Never settle for someone who puts you down and makes you feel unimportant. This person does not care about your feelings. Mistreating you gives them a sense of power. Avoid this person like the plague. If you are involved with them already, tell them to take a hike – even if it is the hardest thing you ever had to do. You’ll thank yourself one day when you do meet “The One.”
6. Never settle for someone who doesn’t know how to laugh and have fun, even in the most trying situations. Someone who can turn a rotten time into the best time is worthy of your time and love.
7. Never settle for someone who leaves you hanging about the future. If they can’t commit to you now, chances are they won’t be committing to you anytime soon. Don’t torture yourself chasing them around. You’ll be wasting your time.
8. Choose someone who helps you be the best person you can be. Be with someone who gives you good advice, and wants you to succeed.
9. Do not be with someone who is jealous – whether they are jealous of your relationships with your friends, or don’t trust you to go out without them there. Without trust, a relationship has no foundation.
10. Choose someone with a big heart, who will love you no matter what you do.
Try to keep these things in mind the next time you make a decision about love. More often than not, you will be grateful that you did.
You’ve just met someone and instantly you’ve clicked - the chemistry unbelievable - you want to spend the rest of your life with this person! Life never looked better! But wait a minute…what do you really know and understand about this gorgeous, wonderful human being you want to spend the rest of the life with?
Falling in love…aaahh what a wonderful experience the first flushes of love are. The heart starts pounding, our temperature rises, and the butterflies begin fluttering whenever the girl/boy of our dreams enters the room. The world looks so…well…rosy. Not only that, life suddenly becomes much more exciting. From my own experiences the heady excitement of first love really did my head in – for some reason commonsense flew out the window…well in the short term anyway. I started accepting things that I normally wouldn’t, pulled away from my old friends, and started to lose a part of myself to accommodate the other person.
I followed my heart when on reflection I could’ve saved myself quite a bit of stress had I known a few more things about sharing my life with someone. I never really asked the important questions such as who would be the major breadwinner, compared our values or really planned for the future. I simply followed my heart and went with the flow in blissful abandonment.
What do you really know about your future life long mate? Do you know what their favourite piece of music, colour, outfit, book, holiday destination is?
What about their likes and dislikes? Do you know what their level of patience and understanding is, are they aware of yours? Are they flexible or inflexible thinkers and do you recognise whether you are or not?
I’ve listed 10 basic points to ask each other before you reach love’s point of no return. You could treat this as a date, and also as an opportunity to really get to know each other on a deeper level. Above all be tactfully truthful, treat what the other has to say with respect, and never assume the other knows what you’re thinking.
If this sounds a bit clinical, consider it as a blueprint of your future lives together. Ever heard the comments “I wish I’d known what I was getting myself into.” Or “I wish I knew then, what I know now.” Or “I just can’t understand her/him.”
Here are the points:
1. Ask each other what your values are on a scale of 1 – 10.
2. Ask what you really do not value on scale of 1 – 10.
3. Do you both want children? If only one wants children, is there an alternative and is this issue negotiable?
4. Who will be the breadwinner after the baby is born? It’s not necessarily dad anymore. Are you both okay with who will be the major breadwinner?
5. Assuming you both were employed prior to children, ask yourselves once you become a parent how long will it be before you return to paid employment. I make this point because from experience that whilst the majority of couples I’ve met are ok with the traditional scenario of the wife remaining at home with the children, some men have resented this.
6. What do you expect from each other – in sickness and in health? Ask each other what you expect from them; in return let your partner know what you will personally bring into the relationship and what you will continue to bring to the relationship.
7. What will you forgive/not forgive of each other’s behaviours, for example, infidelity or lying?
8. Do you have a hobby you could both share? List all the really wonderful things you could do together.
9. Will there be occasions when you want to do things alone? For example, boys/girls night outs, fishing trip with the boys/girls etc. Is this acceptable to you?
10. Is there anything that annoys you about your partner already? Are you willing to accept annoyances?
Secretly thinking that your partner will come around to your way of thinking sooner or later could possibly be setting yourself up for disappointment. There’s also the risk of blame and anger if you’re unable to change something you assumed you could.
Accept that nothing in life is perfect – life could be said to be is perfectly imperfect.
